If love is like falling, then falling was like this…
I fell in love for the first time in the summer of 2011. He wasn’t anything like what I had imagined, which made it all the more serendipitous. He wasn’t traditionally successful. He didn’t really have much money. He wasn’t very tall and he barely spoke English, yet I was blinded and happy to be so. I was grateful to have been chosen for this moment. I couldn’t say anything but yes to it and to him. I still have a hard time saying no.
I made a declaration that summer to be the best partner that another person could want. In that declaration was my commitment to us, my respect for another human being and my love. As it all unfolded it was heaven at times, and hell at others yet I loved placing someone else’s happiness in lockstep with my own because it made me feel like I had a larger purpose in life, outside of the grinding pace of New York City, my work and the tawdry qualities of the city’s social scene.
As I reflect back on that relationship, I am reminded of the massive amount of forgiveness that life requires of us when things don’t turn out the way we had planned. I not only fully forgive him, but most importantly I fully forgive myself too. As we collectively walk through our lives, we live separately in different bodies but we are connected by things like ambitions, desires and love, just as we are divided by things like jealousy, deceit and distrust. In the end only the former matters, and I am inclined to say I forgive you for everything else.
Through our pardoning we are also forgiven, and become a clean slate deserving of the love that we all so genuinely want.